Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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