Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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