we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
