From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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