I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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