Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
