If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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