I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
