i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
