Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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