Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
