you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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