every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
