The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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