so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
