my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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