i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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