I showed him my bush... on skype.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
