I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
