Me. At least after what I've been through.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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