My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
