i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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