I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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