even my farts smell like vagina
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
