i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
