I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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