I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
