he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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