i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
