You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
