I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
