Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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