Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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