god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
