Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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