We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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