whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
