he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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