the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
