he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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