She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
