Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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