I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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