areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
