Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
