imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
