I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
