By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
