shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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