its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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