I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
